I think one of my favorite things about summer is that the trees have all of their leaves again and the mystery of what is behind them become a constant wonder, because we all forget the things we hide in life until the leaves blow away and things become seen. Have you ever felt in life that you hide things behind other things so that you don’t have to relive or even remember the past. Maybe it is not intentional, but it happens. I have been known to hide my insecurities that way… until it just blows up and there is no outcome pretty enough to deal with them.
Summer is one of my least favorite season, for a lot of reasons. It reminds me of of my insecurities the most. This is a tough subject, I think the more we talk about our insecurities the less power it has over us. This past year with Covid-19 was the first year I left my house multiple times with out make-up (I know…. I have never done that). I was tired of getting makeup on my masks and I just felt that if people couldn’t see the bottom of my face anyway what was the point. Because of this experience, I have a new confidence for how I view myself.
Covid quarantine really did open a lot of wounds for me, It gave me the opportunity to really work on myself and what I truly want in my life and the people I want around me. One of my main goals was to put up boundaries, I have tried to do this when I was in college with certain areas of my life…. but like most things back then it never really worked out. One of the main things was leaving places that really made me feel like I didn’t matter.
Have you have been burned by something that you really love. Well I have. I have had people my whole life tell me that I can not do something or that dream and passions I have are just silly. Man does that just hurt. When that happened to me a few years ago at church (of all places). It has been really hard for me to get in the mind set of going back.
I have suppressed those feelings for a while, but this year things just flooded back. Those insecurities of not being good enough, not being pretty enough and not being Christian enough to do be apart of things or invited to things. It really made me feel awful about myself. During this time I was grateful for the support system that I had, the few who invested there time and energy to make me feel loved and supported through some of the most challenging things I have faced in life.
As places start to open back up, I was hesitant to go back (really to any place of worship). It has been a trigger for me, but I know how important it is for my spiritual health and mental health. So I decided to go (a new place) and hopefully with some grace I can get back to feeling the way that I want to be. Getting back to the strong, independent women that I know that I am. I don’t think I will truly ever be the same person….. based on my experiences, but I think I can use this opportunity to improve myself. I hope that the way I live my life and the actions I put out in the world show others that Jesus is at the center of my life and that people deserve a little grace now and again.
Here are my summer thoughts, I will always try to be the most authentic as I can be…. I believe that when we are transparent we can learn from other peoples experiences and life lessons.
Here is to a great summer of a little bit of freedom (thanks Covid) and a whole lot of fun!